When I was recovering from my eating disorder, I had a lot of thoughts run through my head about my body.
It was getting bigger than I wanted, the scale was creeping up consistently, and I couldn't handle seeing the change in numbers.
My obsession with the number on the scale lasted well into adulthood, and tendencies to do 'whatever it took' to keep the number where I wanted it to be - whether that be extreme keto, excessive cardio, intermittent fasting, full fasting, or any of the other stupid crap I've done - would creep back into my mind as 'options' to find what I thought was happiness and fulfillment.
At one point, my lowest weight as an adult in a long keto cycle, my body was so weak I couldn't help move a couch to the other side of the room in my house. I didn't have the strength.
Here I was, saying I wanted to be a certain weight because it meant I was 'healthy', but was killing myself for vanity and a number obsession.
I was educating myself on how to be healthier.
I was looking forward to teaching healthy practices to others.
I was working out excessively thinking I was doing what was right for my body.
After the failed couch attempt, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought to myself:
'What the f*ck are you doing?'
I thought about what I wanted for myself. What did I want to teach people and what did I want others to value on their journeys to better health?
It wasn't being skinny or being obsessed with a scale.
And it definitely wasn't being too weak to do every day activities.
I wrote on a post-it and put it on the mirrors in my house:
STRONG NOT SKINNY.
It was a long process, but I learned to appreciate my body for all the strength it has - despite the imperfections in my appearance.
I focused on getting STRONGER, both physically and mentally.
I never want anyone to go through what I went through.
That's my purpose with Dead Set.
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